The Secret of Secrets by Dan Brown
Review by Jordan S.
In a year without a huge Sanderson Cosmere-level release, sometimes we have to do desperate things. There just are fewer huge ‘event’ releases this year. There’s not even a Rebecca Yarros book to look for. My local bookstore is doing a release party for The Impossible Fortune, the new Thursday Murder Club mystery, but that isn’t really Kaiju & Gnome adjacent enough. In this void, however, there is one opportunity to look at a book that is going to both be a) way too popular and b) not nearly as popular as past releases from the same author.
I guess I’m going to review and talk about Dan Brown’s The Secret of Secrets.
Dan Brown is best known for that other book of his, The Da Vinci Code. For those of you who either don’t remember or have blocked it out of your minds, that book was a phenomenon. By 2016, it had sold 80 million copies and on its release in 2003, the only book that sold better that year was the fifth installment in a little known series - Harry Potter. It also immediately took a weird boogeyman slot in some communities. I can vividly remember my childhood pastor giving sermons about its anti-Christian themes and conspiracy theories. Of course, that fear was heavily overblown and also the Da Vinci Code is a stupid book. It’s badly researched even for a book somewhere along the line of a bad Indiana Jones adventure where Indy is just an academic and not an adventurer.1
Ultimately, the Da Vinci Code was made into a movie starring Tom Hanks in a role literally made for him as someone who’s believable as an academic but not an action star which led to two more adaptations of Brown books (Angels & Demons and Inferno) and then a Peacock original series for The Lost Symbol, not starring Hanks but a young guy and Eddie Izzard.
It’s the kind of success that most authors could only dream of so why did I, someone who is very mindful of publishing schedules and what books are coming out in any given week, forget that this book even existed?
That was the question I was asking myself when I saw The Secret of Secrets on the library bookshelf and thought to myself, “I wonder if this book will annoy me as much as The Lost Symbol or Inferno did?” For you, my readers, I decided I would read this book and see if it’s worthy of this year’s “Event” publishing event.
First, let me lay out some clarifications. One, this book is going to be abundantly successful. It was an instant #1 seller on the NYT bestseller list and has already/will continue to make literal buckets of money. For all I know Dan Brown is being literally paid in gold bullion and it would probably be deserved. Nothing I say will make anyone that might be interested in this book not pick it up. Second, this book is stupid but not the most stupid book that Dan Brown has written.2 It might not even be in the top three most stupid books he’s written. Honestly, there were times that I enjoyed this reading. Third, and most importantly, despite this book’s success, I’m not sure it’s even an event. I didn’t see any of the many local bookstores doing anything special for its release. However, Mick Herron’s new Slough House book, Richard Osman’s new Thursday Murder Club book, and Yume Kitasei’s Saltcrop are all getting big release parties somewhere within my near radius.3 I have not seen my local bookseller since it came out to know if it’s been hot at my local favorite bookstore but compared to the past event of The Da Vinci Code, this is already comparably an event dud.
So, to quote my Kaiju friend, was it any good?
Sure. It was fine.
On the scale of “How much did it annoy me?” it was a “meh?” Did it annoy me? No. Will I remember anything about it an hour and a half after I write this? Also no. It’s less weird than a James Rollins technothriller and it’s less exciting than a Steve Berry adventure even if it might be better written then both of those.
The plot of this book is middling. Essentially Robert Langdon’s girlfriend has discovered some really crazy sciencey macguffin and then disappears after a bunch of weirdly violent things sorta happen and then everything goes to heck. To create a list of some of the things that did stand out to me;
The convoluted plot involving Langdon’s editor at Penguin Random House.
We see far fewer tourist attractions in Prague than I would have expected from a Dan Brown thriller.
Penguin Random House has a master whitehat hacker on staff.
Penguin Random House editor escapes a highly trained team of mercenaries.
WHY IS THE PENGUIN RANDOM HOUSE EDITOR THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS BOOK?
Outside of those things (which, to be honest, is really just the Penguin Random House editor of it all) I’m not sure anything really stood out to me. It’s a silly plot and involves way too many viewpoint characters. Has Dan Brown always had so many of these in a book? It was at times overwhelming, especially when the only one that stands out is a Penguin Random House editor.4
On the other hand, Robert Langdon is still a fun character who has been made even better by the fact that now I just imagine Tom Hanks as I’m reading the book. Is he groundbreaking? No. Is he such a good character that I would ever reread this book? No. However, he is a good enough character that I will pick up a book that he’s the main character of. He’s the only reason I would ever even consider reading this book and that’s not nothing. In a book full of forgettable characters and contrived plots, he’s the best element and goes a long way in any successful moments this book had.
The ‘villain’ is also fun. Why the scare quotes around villain? Mostly because there are so many villains in this book that it’s hard to keep them straight. To be clear, the only one that is worth talking about is the villain we are introduced to as Golem. Golem is interesting and is also the source of the only real twists and turns in this book. Brown does some interesting things with this character and connects them to the plot in some ways that would be too spoilery to talk about here. In the hands of another author, Golem could have been one of my favorite villains ever. Instead, it’s one of a few standout elements in a book so boring that it didn’t even annoy me.
Overall, this book was…what were we talking about? I’ve forgotten already.
Oh…The Secret of Secrets by Dan Brown.
It’s fine. It’s going to make more money than I will make in my lifetime and will probably be made into a movie starring Channing Tatum or Robert Pattinson or freaking Tom Hanks.5 It will then make anyone in that movie a bunch of money and maybe also get them a sequel deal for Origin (which I believe is the only other Langdon book that hasn’t been adapted yet?). Yet, it’s also not getting seemingly any event style book release parties within my general vicinity and Richard Osman’s The Impossible Fortune is and so is Yume Kitasei’s Saltcrop.6
And I’ll be going to both of those parties.
So who’s the real winner at the end of the day?
I also don’t know if I’ve ever actually read it. I honestly can’t remember. It might be worth an Overdue Notice of if I can will myself to do that.
I legitimately hate both The Lost Symbol and Inferno.
Read all these books instead, please.
Also, though, I can’t remember the Penguin House Editor’s actual name. So….
Give me a Stephen Soderbergh remake of the Da Vinci Code but Channing Tatum is also still Magic Mike.
Again, read both of these books before you read this one.